


A Parting Gift

by Noteventhat (Facialteeth)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec's POV, Angst and Tragedy, Graphic Character Death, Guns, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, M/M, Magnus has Medical Problems, Medical Procedures, Mundane Alec Lightwood, Mundane Magnus Bane, Sad Ending, Sad Jace Herondale, Self-Sacrifice, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, bodies, mundane AU, no happiness, surgery mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:54:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24998626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Facialteeth/pseuds/Noteventhat
Summary: Magnus needed a heart. He'd been on the waitlist for months and it didn't seem like a viable donor was ever going to come. Finally, when it seemed like Magnus couldn't wait any longer, Alec took things into his own hands.Magnus would be furious of course but he'd always had Alec's heart in every way but physically. It was only fitting that Alec would leave it for him.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Herondale, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 30
Kudos: 118





	A Parting Gift

**Author's Note:**

> Please for the love of god, read the tags of this fic. I will be deleting any comment mad that this is pure angst because I'm warning you right now. This is heavy heavy angst. There is no happy ending. Graphic depictions of suicide and MCD, all the works. Please read the tags and decide if you want to read forward because I am not responsible if you do.
> 
> I write angst a lot and this is probably the most angsty thing I've ever written. If you know my fics, that's a pretty serious warning. Read the tags, thank you.

Magnus needed a heart. He’d been born with a defect that gave him appointments every three months to check up on it and a strict exclusion of caffeine and alcohol from his diet but even with all those appointments, they hadn’t realized quite how bad his heart was until recently. If they had known before, he’d have been on a waiting list for a transplant far earlier than he was and maybe, he’d have found one in time. 

But they hadn’t known how bad it was. It hadn’t been obvious until Magnus had gone into cardiac arrest and almost died in their apartment. It hadn’t been obvious until he’d flatlined in the hospital as his heart gave out. 

He had a heart monitor after that. He was on a lot of medication to keep his heart pumping and keep it from killing him. Magnus’ doctor said that his heart would give out again. It wasn’t an ‘if’ anymore. It would and that time, they might not be able to save him. 

He was put on a waiting list. They could get a call and Magnus could get swept off to surgery in a matter of a few hours but the days went on and then weeks and no heart was found for him. They received no calls about going to the hospital. Nothing and in the meantime, Magnus wasn't getting any better. 

Magnus stayed optimistic. He didn’t have much of a choice. He was staying optimistic for Alec but Alec stayed realistic for a similar reason. Being optimistic would not save Magnus’ life. Magnus needed a heart and fast. Alec knew as the weeks went on that Magnus’ chances of dying grew higher and higher.

No one knew how long it would be before a viable heart came. It might never. What was Alec supposed to do? Let him die when he could do something about it? No, never. Everyone should have expected Alec to do what he did.

He’d always been self sacrificing and for no one more than Magnus. Alec would be willing to do anything for Magnus. The fact that anyone was surprised was the real shock.

Alec had it planned well. He had his letters written; one to his siblings, one to his parents and the last longest one to Magnus. Magnus’ was nearly five pages. He had the most to say to Magnus, unsurprisingly and he also spelled out exactly what he’d been doing and what he’d planned to do, after he finished writing.

He’d been doing research about heart transplants. Magnus had caught him doing it actually. Magnus thought he just wanted to be prepared for when the day came that he was rushed into surgery. Alec had wanted to be more than prepared. He wanted to be sure that what he was planning would work. It would be useless if it wouldn’t work.

It turns out, Alec was a perfect donor for Magnus. There was always the chance Magnus’ body would reject his heart of course but that same chance was there with any heart he was given. Without the heart, Magnus had no chance. 

Alec was willing to take those odds. 

He also laid out what he was going to do. He knew Magnus would be furious but he also knew he’d want answers from him. Alec didn’t want to hurt him by giving him those answers but he felt like not giving him the answers would prevent him from moving on too. Besides, if Alec didn’t tell Magnus someone else would. Alec knew Magnus would want to hear it from him. 

He left that morning. He kissed Magnus. He told him that he loved him and he would be back tomorrow. He said he was going over Jace’s for the night. He made up something going on with Jace. It was the only excuse Magnus would believe. Magnus knew Alec loved his siblings. Alec loved Magnus more than them. It was just a fact and he never would have left Magnus for the night, not even for Jace. What if something happened? What if his heart gave out and no one was there?

Magnus didn’t realize that though. He believed Alec. He insisted he’d be fine alone.

Alec really went to a hotel. His room was on the first floor. The hotel was across from a hospital, the closest hospital to Magnus in fact. The most important part of getting a viable organ was putting it on ice right away. He needed them to be able to take his body and put his heart on ice as soon as it had stopped beating in his chest. 

He told Magnus how he was going to do it too, in the letter of course. He was going to shoot himself. ‘You didn’t own a gun,’ Alec knew Magnus would say. He’d bought it a few weeks ago, when he’d begun planning, when Magnus had gotten bad. 

He didn’t want to have to shoot himself. Magnus would be upset about the state of his body. Whoever had to identify him would be upset about it too. Alec hoped they’d keep him covered. They’d have to have a closed casket. His parents would be upset about that.

There wasn’t another way to do it though. Medication would be too slow. There was no way to assure he’d be dead by the time the police got there and if he was alive, they’d save him. That would ruin it all. Magnus would be so upset and still, he’d have no heart. There was no use upsetting him if Magnus didn’t get his heart. 

He couldn’t jump. That would be too much damage to his body. It would also be harder for the police to get his body. The easiest way to do it was a gun. He could call the police and know he’d be dead by the time anyone got there. There would be no chance of reviving him and it would be obvious instantly. It also wouldn’t damage his heart at all. It would be completely viable in his chest.

He explained that to Magnus in the letter. Magnus would want to understand why he made the choices he did. Maybe that would make it easier for him after. Alec wasn’t going to be there to help him, so he needed to make it as easy as possible. 

He knew Izzy or Jace would step up to help him when he was in recovery. Ragnor would be there with him too. He’d have people there. He wouldn’t be alone at least but Alec wouldn’t be there. Alec had struggled with poor self esteem his whole life but even he understood how much he meant to Magnus. Magnus would be devastated. He might even hate him for doing it. Maybe that too would make it easier for him to move on.

Alec hoped. He wanted Magnus to move on. He wanted Magnus to recover completely and he wanted him to meet someone else and be happy. Alec said this to him, in the letter. If Magnus didn’t hate him, maybe he'd listen to him. Alec wasn’t sure. 

At the end of the letter, Alec reiterated that he loved him. It was the most important thing he had to say. Magnus was going to be so mad at him and this was going to hurt him so much but at the end of the day, Alec loved Magnus more than anything. That’s what made it easy. He loved Magnus more than he cared about his feelings. He'd rather Magnus be hurt and alive than dead. Alec could do this and he could save Magnus’ life or he could sit with him at home and wait for him to die one final time, wait for the paramedics to fail to revive him, wait to be told his lover was dead as he sat in the lobby at the hospital. 

Besides, Alec had almost killed himself before, when he was younger and in a far worse place than he was now. Alec wasn’t scared of death. He had never thought he’d live to be this old in the first place and he had a good life. He had a better life than he’d ever expected. 

He never thought he’d meet someone like Magnus. He never thought he’d get to be with him. He never thought he’d meet someone that would make him so absolutely happy. Alec was okay with dying today. He wished things could be different of course but he was okay with it.

Magnus and him had been thinking about adopting, before Magnus had gotten sick. Alec still wished that could happen. He wished he and Magnus could adopt kids and grow old together. Alec had always wanted to be a father but that was not a reality anymore and Alec had come to terms with that.

There was no future where Magnus and him got to adopt children and grow old. There was a future where Magnus died and left Alec alone and then, there was a future where Alec took his life to save Magnus. It was easy to see which was favorable.

Last minute, Alec decided to call Jace. He hadn’t planned to. It was risky but Alec had a loaded gun in his hand. Jace lived across the city. He wouldn’t get there in time and he wouldn’t be able to call anyone who would get there in time either. 

It was harder, the thought of talking to Jace about what he was going to do before he did it. The plan was always for no one to know until he was done. That’s why he’d written the letter but Alec knew Jace would come to him and if no one read what Alec had written, maybe Jace could explain. 

Jace would stop him if he could but he couldn’t, so Alec hoped he’d at least make sure Alec didn’t die for no reason. He hoped Jace would tell the paramedics why Alec had done it and what needed to happen now.

Half of Alec hoped Jace wouldn’t answer but of course he did. He kept his phone on him all the time now. Alec could have called him in the middle of the night and he would have answered. “Alec,” Jace greeted him instantly. He sounded a little out of breath but Alec didn’t wonder what he’d been doing. It didn’t matter. “Is everything okay? Is Magnus-” 

He cut himself off before Alec could but Alec knew what he had been about to say. _Is Magnus okay?_ “He’s fine,” Alec said quickly. He heard Jace sigh with relief but it was short lived because Alec kept speaking. “I need you to listen carefully and don’t cut me off.” Instantly, Alec heard Jace trying to cut him off but Alec spoke over him. There was no time. If he didn’t get right to the point, Jace was going to call someone else. He was going to do something. “I’m going to be dead soon.” Alec said, his voice as even as if he’d been talking about the weather. “I’m a perfect donor for Magnus. I’m going to shoot myself. I’m at the hotel we stayed at when Magnus was in the hospital. When I hang up, I’m going to call the police and then I’m going to do it. You don’t have time to stop me.” 

“Alec-” Jace sounded panicked. He sounded terrified actually but Alec kept speaking.

“I need you to come and I need you to tell the police that Magnus needs to get my heart. I wrote a note but they might not read it right away.” 

“You can’t do that.” Jace was saying, ignoring what Alec was saying of course. “Alec, think about Magnus. You can’t-” 

“I _am_ thinking about Magnus. I need to go. Just come. It will be done when you get here.” Alec was going to hang up at that point. He knew he needed to be quick. The second he hung up, Jace would be calling someone. He’d be rushing over. He might already be leaving but still, Alec hesitated for just a second. “I love you.” He said finally and on the other side of the phone, Alec heard a noise rip from Jace’s throat. It wasn’t a sob but it was close. “I’m sorry. I have to. Take care of him, after.” Alec hung up before he could hear what Jace had to say back. He knew what Jace had to say back. 

_Don’t do it. I love you too. Alec, please don’t leave me._

Alec reached for the gun instantly as he dialed the police. He needed to be quick now. He had no time for anything else but he wanted to call Magnus. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. It would only hurt him more if Alec did. He’d feel like he could have done something to stop him, which he couldn’t have.

Jace would feel like that too now. He’d blame himself. He’d think if he had said something different, Alec wouldn’t have done it but Alec needed this to work. Alec needed Magnus to get his heart. He needed Magnus to be rushed into surgery. He needed Magnus to survive surgery and then, he needed Magnus to survive the recovery Alec would not be there for. There was no point to any of this if Magnus didn’t survive.

No, Alec knew he couldn’t call Magnus but he wanted to hear his voice for the last time anyway. He wanted to tell him he loved him one last time but then, Magnus would know something was wrong. He’d be able to hear it in his voice. Magnus had always read him like an open book. 

Distantly, Alec heard someone talking on the other end of the phone. He hadn’t even realized he’d hit send. “Nine one one, what is the state of your emergency?” 

For a moment, Alec’s voice caught in his throat. He didn’t think he’d feel scared. He thought he’d be fearless for some reason. He’d done this before. He’d almost killed himself before and he hadn’t been scared then. He’d just been so sad. Now, he wasn’t sad. He didn’t have that driving him and in its place, all that was left was fear. 

Alec didn’t want to leave Magnus. Alec didn’t want to die. Alec wanted to be there with him. Alec wanted to sit by him in the hospital. He wanted to hold his hand as he woke up and help him through his recovery at home and celebrate him getting better like he knew Magnus would want to.

But none of that could happen. Even if he stopped right now, Alec wouldn’t get that version of his life. Alec wouldn’t get Magnus recovering. Alec wouldn't get to be there. Instead, he’d just get a funeral where he’d have to bury the man he loved. 

Alec spoke and his voice was less even than he imagined it would be, when he’d done this in his head. “There’s going to be a suicide at the Hotel Inn across from the Lenox Hill Hospital. Room seven, on the first floor. My husband needs a heart transplant and I’m a donor. My heart needs to go to him. His name is Magnus Bane.”

He was going to leave Magnus’ contact information to make it easy but Jace would be there and the hospital had it anyway. He didn’t need to say anything else. Jace was coming. He had any other information they needed but still, Alec hesitated for a second. 

He could hear the woman on the other end of the phone, sounding far more awake than she had when she’d answered as she tried to talk to him and get him to respond again but Alec stayed silent. The gun was in his hand. Alec knew the police were on their way now. He needed to go before someone got there. They wouldn’t knock. They’d just barge in and then, it would all be over.

Alec needed to do it now. There was no other choice. He raised the gun. The safety was already off and even then, holding it against his head, Alec hesitated again. His mind raced, frantically trying to come up with any other solution that would let him stay with Magnus but there wasn’t one. This was it. There was no other way and now, Alec was running out of time. If he didn’t do it now, Magnus would die.

Alec put the phone down and he clenched his eyes shut. He tried not to be scared but he was. He tried to be brave but he wasn’t. He tried not to cry so they wouldn’t find his body like that and tell Jace or Magnus just to make them feel bad but he couldn’t hold back the tears. 

He was scared. He didn’t feel brave and he cried right before he did it. It wasn’t how Alec imagined any of it happening. He thought it would be so much easier than it was but Alec loved Magnus. He loved Magnus more than he was scared and that was enough for him to pull the trigger. 

Jace didn’t get there for another five minutes. The police arrived just before him. Alec was dead before anyone opened that hotel door, just like he planned. 

“He’s an organ donor,” one of the paramedics commented as they stood over Alec’s body, surveying the scene. They hadn’t read the notes yet. Jace hadn’t got there to scream and cry and tell them why Alec had done through broken sobs but he’d be there soon.

“Nice of him,” the other murmured before they sighed and started to move Alec’s body. It was just another night to them. Just another suicide but an hour later, Magnus was rushed into surgery. He tried to call Alec to tell him but Magnus just figured Alec had missed the call because he was with Jace. He left a voicemail. He assumed Alec would be there by the time he woke up again. Why wouldn’t he be? Magnus was going into surgery. Of course, Alec would be there.

It wasn’t until Magnus woke up the next day, with so many machines and wires running from him, that he even realized anything was wrong. Alec wasn’t in the room. Jace was crying but he tried to hide it, when he saw Magnus was awake. Ragnor had that blank look on his face that he always had when he was about to tell Magnus something terrible.

Magnus knew something was wrong then but he was on so many drugs. There was a tube in his throat and he couldn’t even open his mouth to ask. It was easy just to go back to sleep. Alec would be there when he woke up again, Magnus was sure. 

Alec wasn’t, of course.

**Author's Note:**

> ... I will be accepting comments at the time, even if they are to yell at me. Tears are welcome.


End file.
